Time and Reflections of latency

I find introspection comforting.  Some would agree with me, though some fear the sheer possibility of being forced out of the canoe and into the jungle of expansive thought.  I have spent most of my time in that mental jungle, swinging from thought to thought with whimsy, searching for that which cannot be found with the determination of finding it anyways.....always planning that when I found it, I would lose it again, on purpose, so I could start looking for it once more.  Lately, I've been rethinking that approach.  Would I consider myself to be well-rounded?  I suppose I would.  However, not to be too painfully analogous, but I'm now thinking that one could be most well-rounded if they were to follow a path through the jungle, where they would still get to view the wonders of life, but also have direction.  I now know that having direction is not synonymous with imposing self-restriction.  I got that wrong for so many years....

Frittered and wasted the hours in off-hand ways:

How many REALLY good drunken conversations can you have anyways?  Did I learn something from everyone one of them?  What did I retain from them?  But worse yet, what profound life's lessons were learned, and forgotten as soon as my eyes widened the following morning?  Character building is paramount in being a successful adult, but I also think it can be a veil for satiating one's need to be liked and accepted.  I just can't be left out of anything.  Though yet, in keeping to that philosophy, I left myself out of so much.  Irony, in it's most cruel, yet compelling form.

I had my cable turned off this week.  I have a malevolent relationship with television.  It is, in it's truest form, an addiction.  I speak only on behalf of myself on this one.  I have strong opinions about what television is or is not doing to or for society, but I strongly believe in letting you decide whether or not it is a poison to you, as it is to me.  I've long lingered confoundedly over whether the time suckage was due to the tv or the pot, so I have began my self-evaluative case study in full force.  So far, I've been quite productive while maintaing medicated levels at usual times, but I can only imagine there will be a honeymoon period that will end and challenge me to stay motivated to avoid sitting in mental stasis for long periods of time.  I believe I will overcome this though.  Why?  Because I grew to be so disgusted with the abundance of mental stasis I let myself succumb to over the past year, growing my lazy ass (and gut) wider in front of the idiot box.  But as a good friend said candidly, "I'm curious to see if you get the result you're looking for out of that move".  I'll keep you posted.

Kicking around on a piece of ground in my hometown:

Thing is, if you're waiting for something or someone to show you the way, you might wait forever.  I came to distrust that waiting game, though I do wish I would have stopped the waiting even earlier, and began looking for the way.  I by no means feel lost currently, if anything, it's the opposite.  I'm overwhelmed with possibility!  However, this seemingly upward facing trend is compromised slightly by my first feeling of regret in quite some time.  I don't hold regrets.  I don't like them.  They're heavy, and they rarely, if ever, serve any purpose to dwell on.  But the truth is, in the rearview mirror, I see a young man that had the world on a string if he wanted it, but in the mirror currently, I see someone struggling to sort things out before time expires on what is left of his youth.  And again, this is meant to be introspective, not overdramatic, and I expect not a bit of sympathy from that dictum.  But as I said, to be able to really see now what amazing things I could've have accomplished if I took to them at 21 instead of 31 years old, is both invigorating and saddening at the same time.  This is only a small mental hurdle though, and I will harness the invigoration and accomplish all that I can from here on out.  Still, there is something to be said for recognizing your capabilities at a young age.  If I could pass on anything to anyone in that 18-22 years old range, that would be it.

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines:

I realized lately, in my decision to become more well-rounded again, that my writing and music is what keeps my soul asking for more!  Nothing could be more distressing to me that I went two years without writing a song.  But I'm back in gear.  I've been writing music and lyrics again and apparent as it could ever be, I'm writing again.  That's liberation and baby I want it.  I need it.  I'm not sure why I went so long without exploring my right brain.  Inspiration comes in waves, but for me, achieving is the cornerstone of artistic production, and I think I went so long without really achieving anything new, that I never really took to art either.  It's funny to me that I didn't find solace in art, when my chips were gone, but I suppose that's just not how I work.  I realize that I was actually my most productive when I had two jobs, two bands, and a full time girlfriend.  Now that's crazy shit.  Is anyone else like this?  I can think of one friend who could just lock himself in a room and shut out the world for hours in function to improve and study his art, but I can't do that.  If I need to live a fast-paced life style to see my secondary desires come to fruition, so be it.  I hope to start some sort of music project asap and I will definitely be recording my new material this summer in MacTech studios, so stay tuned for that!

The time has come.  The song is over.  Thought I'd something more to say.....